Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever