This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!