Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pickled cat.

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!