Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

🤣

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?