This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat