This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
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(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together