This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
From my Mom
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
kitchen magnet
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Help
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!