Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.