This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
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Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
(True)
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.