This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
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DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
My dad teaching me to drive
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Natural selection at its finest
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.