This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I wish this was real life…
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
two people or more is called a problem
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’