Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.