Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

I can’t be the only one 😂

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.