Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.