Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

CUTE CAT‼︎

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Autocorrect completely socks

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Welcome

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.