This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to