Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Safety first

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

🫡

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters