This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I’ve had worse
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy