Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.