Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Twitter remains undefeated

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor: