This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
What
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Wait a minute
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days