Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign