This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
At least try to make it slightly believable
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.