This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
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If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???