This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Nothing to do, you say?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”