Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.