This did not end as expected.
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
titanic
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.