Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

I never needed anything more in my life

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.