Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

wtf