This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

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Me: Wake up son!

Son: Just 30 more minutes please

Me: I’m borrowing your phone

Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!


If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar


She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.


My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.


I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.


These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.


Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it


I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun