Me: Wake up son!
Son: Just 30 more minutes please
Me: I’m borrowing your phone
Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?
Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.
My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.
I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun