This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Extremely relatable.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey