Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.