Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

The three genders

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Lmfao

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!