This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
