This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play