This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.