This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Oh my God.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
They’re on their honeymoon
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.