This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.