Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.