Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

😁

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works