Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-