“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
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Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
much to think about
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing