This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
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[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I will never stop laughing at this
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!