This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Saw your ex at the shops
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena