911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
You Might Also Like
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
#FunnyLife Insects
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.