@AristotlesNZ

This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.

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@Reverend_Scott

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

@mollzbenn

The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.

@dlockw21

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

@MaritalFauxPas

If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I’m going to be pissed!

@Tbone7219

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

@capnwatsisname

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

@ThaJawn

Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached

-later that day-

Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!

@Seinfeld2000

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you