“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.
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According to this tray of lasagne, I’m a family of 4.
The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I’m going to be pissed!
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached
-later that day-
Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you