This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
You Might Also Like
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
thanks auntie mary
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”