This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.