Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Shortcut

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.