This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Smooooooth
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.