Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

This week’s mood.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Sure. Why not?

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it