Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

Shoo shoo! 😂

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap