Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter