This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!