This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
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Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will