This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
An odd boast
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
edward fingerhands
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*