This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
You Might Also Like
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice