This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be