This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Selfie
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
When you’re Kinky but poor
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Y’all ready for this
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before