This dude got his own movie?
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
this chia pet tastes awful
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’ve had worse
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club