This dude got his own movie?
You Might Also Like
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
do u think theres a butter planet?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
i’m still crying at this
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit