Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

meanwhile over on facebook

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

how to market bottled water to dads

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

Self-cleaning conscience

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*