Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

oh shit

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*