Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

*me flirting

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.