This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.