This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
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No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers