This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.