This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
March 16
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”