This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
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Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I will never stop laughing at this
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving