This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.