Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?