Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

That time Alicia messaged me

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.