Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship