Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Go gym

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

There is wisdom there.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.