This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
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Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]