This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
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The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
