This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
True freaking story!
