Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.